i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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