you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
