I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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