i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
