I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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