just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Me too!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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