I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
