I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
