Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize