Someone shit on the floor
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
