its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize