I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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