Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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