I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
