I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
