Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
