he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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