I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
