I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
