I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
