whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
