Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
