god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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