hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
