so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
