sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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