I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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