The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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