Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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