Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
