Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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