I puked a lego.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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