Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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