The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
