I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
