her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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