Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
