my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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