you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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