and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
