Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
