i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
