That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
