How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
