Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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