So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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