the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
