i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just google imaged poop.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
