I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
