my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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