i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
