dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
