Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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