My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
