i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
